Vampirism

I cannot sleep eight straight hours.  Many times I cannot sleep before six in the morning.  For a while, it was reading a book I couldn't put down.  Then I got hooked on Turner Classic Movies, especially when they have their themes - like Oscar Month or focus on stars month.  Then I can't get enough of certain series on cable.  Or I would re-watch a rare Raiders win or NFL Films depiction of the Raiders' glory days.  And I have TiVo which has elevated the television watching experience.

I'm not sure when this affliction began.  My theory is that I fucked myself up during my college days.  You know - up all night cramming.  Sanka coffee or NoDozes.  A couple funny smelling cigarettes for inspiration.  And the fear of failure if you don't do an excellent job on the project that keeps you up all night cramming.

This affliction got worse during my law school days.  You'd have three or four classes a day where the assignment for each class was to read forty pages a night.  And you had to know that shit because the law professors didn't believe in asking straight-forward questions about the subject.  And God forbid, someone asked you about a footnote.  But that lesson made me realize the importance of Big Picture and Details plus Effort.

Then I worked for law firms where neither me nor my supervisors had a full grasp of the cases we hustled.  But I had to do the grunt work.  I sharpened my research skills during this time because again I spent the night in the office with a little better quality of coffee but no benefit of a funny smelling cigarette.

So then a habit was born.  Sometimes I felt like I had to drink some liquor to crash out.  Music, as a lullaby, was very helpful.  But then my wife likes stone silence to sleep.

So sometimes I would lie awake in the bed.  Tried deep breathing - helpful.  But in the law game, or any high pressured occupation/profession, you think about the next moves constantly.  Your mind has several tracks of thought - all of which demand attention.  All of which demand resolution.  Many of which won't bring a happy ending or one you're comfortable communicating to the relevant person.  So that keeps your mind up.  And eyes red.

I began to embrace the dark.  Loved and preferred it actually. My only problem was the required 8:30 a.m. reporting times.  I could barely fall into a healthy REM sleep by six.  But then I had to be awake by 7:30 at the latest, which I discovered was the time I preferred to be asleep.  I was very uncomfortable.

The adage "Be Careful of What You Wish For" is very accurate.  I lost my job almost a year ago.  Double-edged sword because, on one hand, I can sleep when I want to sleep.  On the other hand, my mind is even busier. 

Busier trying to figure out how to replace my lost income.  Busier with negative thoughts about slights - perceived or real.  Busier fearing problems rather than creating solutions.  Busier wondering what was it in my karma that led me to this stage.  Busier comparing myself to my friends whose lives seem to be getting better while mine seemed to be getting worse.

In all of this I discovered the following: it's better to be your best friend than your worst enemy.  More often than not, we swim against the ocean rather than surf that wave to the beach.  I think I'm beginning to learn how to surf.  Bring on the Moonshine.